Dating With Anxious Attachment Strategies

Dating can bring up attachment strategies quickly, because early relationships are uncertain by nature. Someone with anxious attachment strategies may find that the early stages feel especially intense, with a lot of attention paid to texts, plans, and small changes in tone, and a strong urge to know where things stand.

Common experiences

Replaying conversations and messages to look for signs of interest or disinterest.
Feeling a strong pull toward a person who is inconsistent or hard to read.
Feeling little spark with someone who is steady and available, and wondering whether that means something is missing.
Moving quickly into closeness in order to feel secure, or pulling back when it begins to feel real.
Changing yourself to fit what you think a partner wants.

Why these patterns make sense

Attachment strategies tend to follow what a person's nervous system recognizes as familiar. If closeness in the past involved uncertainty, then uncertainty may feel like a sign of chemistry, and calm may feel unfamiliar. In EFIT, these responses are understood as learned and as meaningful, and they can change as you have new experiences of safety.

Ideas that may help

Noticing the physical signs of worry, such as a racing heart, and taking a pause before responding to a message.
Naming the feeling underneath, which might be fear, loneliness, or hope, and giving it some care.
Paying attention to how consistent and respectful a person is over time, in addition to how strong the feeling is.
Practicing saying what you want early, in a calm and simple way.

What therapy offers

Individual therapy can be a place to understand your patterns and to practice relating differently. Many clients find that as they build a more secure relationship with themselves, they are less drawn to uncertainty and more able to recognize and enjoy steadiness.

Common experiences

Why these patterns make sense

Ideas that may help

What therapy offers

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